The Girl Without Dreams

I cannot imagine a world with no dreams.

Where sleep is but a vast empty darkness, and when finally a dream comes about.

It comes in the form of nightmares.

There's no blue sky with birds, not even grey skies.
In her dreams, the world is always night time.
The sky is pitch black, with no stars and without a moon.
She curls up and cries alone.
With nobody to hold hear, nobody to hear her.
For that reason, I'll love her even more.

Without a night of normal dreams, without a moment of sweetness in her sleep.

Her eyes are always teary when she wakes up.

Nobody but herself knows what she goes through everynight.

In a distant land, a boy stays up and plucks the strings of his guitar gently.

Hoping with every dose of hope in his heart.

That the night breeze might carry the resonance of his music to her ears.

So that it may soothe her and relief her of her nightmares.

He stays up everynight and prays to his dear Father in heaven.

That he may light a candle in the darkness that engulfs her.

So that finally, her dreams may brighten up.

And darkness would no longer cause her to feel cold and lonely.

He loves her, but does she know?

Does she love him?

Princess Arella

Your light brown hair shimmers in the candlelight,
Your ivory skin glows and your smile looks more mysterious than a flower lit in moonlight.
Yes you, you are the angel of love which appears only once every thousand years.
Leave me not, for to wait another thousand years alone without you is too much for my delicate heart to bear.

Tainted Wings

Dear  Love,

What is it with Fate? Does she not know that its a sin to seperate what God has made as one?

How can she be so cruel as to split us into two and curse us to roam Earth forever until we find each other?

Even if I've found her, she does not recognize me anymore.

Her eyes are different, her voice which used to duet with me as I serenaded her is no longer the same.

She does not love me as she did before.

Her heart is bound is chains, her dreams are of darkness.

I swear upon my life that I shall free my princess from your cruelty O Fate.

For even as I fight this solitude alone, I know that Love has not forgotten me.

It is the same flame of Love which burned ten thousand years ago between my princess and I.

Winter boasts of its cold harsh winds, but I stand tall.

I do not shiver, my hands remain clenched as in prayer, my feet though all bruised with frost bites, does not give way to pain.

I know not what is the meaning of giving up.

For a moment without my heart's desired one, is far worse than a thousand years in this cold harsh winter.

Even so, Fate has another trump card.

I could wait forever, as I have promised my dearest one.

But my heart would not last until then.

The feathers of my wings have started to fall, it won't be long until the last one falls off.

I can defy the heavens and the order of the angels for her.

I rather be a mortal and live a quiet life with her in a simple hut.

What is paradise, if she were not there to keep me company?

This halo has ceased to shine as it used to, what use is a dimmed halo to an angel?

Dearest princess,

Do you know why I call you every night despite you not knowing who I really am?

I do not have much time left.

Even so, I'd like to listen to your voice every night before the day I die.

They say two halves make a whole, but you are my all.

You are so beautiful to me, even the stars stop their never ending dance, just to adore you and see the sparkle in your eyes.

You told me that you never had a sweet dream before.

That all you see when you're asleep are darkness and nightmares.

Have you forgotten who chased away the darkness for you the first time you went on your mission?

Darkness enveloped itself around you, coldness seemed to encircle you and fear was in the air.

You cried when you could not see any light, for an angel cannot return home without light as a guide to heaven.

That was the first time we met, when I appeared out of nowhere and shined brightly in the darkness.

I held you close to my heating heart and you cried your heart out.

You were so scared, you thought you could never come home to Paradise.

But I guess you've already forgotten about it all.

I am but a nobody in your eyes now.

My wings no longer spread out.

I no longer wish to soar in the sky.

For I can only silently count down the remaining days to my end.

Do grant my last wish princess.

Please bestow upon me the kiss of death just before this wounded heart breaks.

Ps: I'll love you always, in times of joy, in times of sorrow, in life and death.

The Story of Why I Love Her III

22nd December 2010
It seems that my heart pain has continued to persist even though I'm in perfect health.
Health check ups have shown that I'm 100% fine.
Princess, I never told you this in our conversations but, I am about to die.
Do you know why I'm calling you every night as if tonight is the last night I'll get to hear your voice?
Well princess, I'm afraid that its true that its almost the last night I get to hear your voice.
Time passes by too quickly, I don't have much time left.

Every night, I call you and talk you to sleep making sure everything's alright.
But do you know I cry myself to sleep thinking about you?
I want to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me.
I need to tell you that you are the world to me,
I wish to hold your hand and be all lovey dovey with you as we walk around the malls.
Be it Pavillion, Midvalley, KLCC or 1-Utama, with you by my side.
I'd be the proudest guy ever, with all the other jealous guys cursing me.

Why'd you tell me about the guys who liked you?
The guys who you liked.
Their height, their looks, their sports and how close you were to them.
I don't care about all that.
What's important is that I'm here and I love you.
I asked you, "Would you marry me?"
You said, "Maybe in your dreams."
But don't you know, that's what I dream of every night?

The heart pain which pierced me happens only at night, but lately its also happening in the morning, afternoon and evening.
I lie curled up on my bed and writhe in pain as I grab my pillow tightly.
My only comfort is my thoughts of you.
My breathing gets heavier as I struggle to leave my bed, grab my phone at the table and message you with smileys.
I'm glad to have lived for another day.
Happy to be in this world with you for another night.

Dear princess, the appointed time is near.
Have you forgotten the conditions of our punishment?
If I were to reunite with you and we undergo our angelic-baptism together, we would be allowed to be together forever.
If I were not able to win your heart, I would die on my 18th birthday and be reborn as an angel in heaven, completely devoid of my heart and memories.
Please save me from my nightmares princess, I cannot imagine a world or heaven without you.
Two halves make a whole, you are both halves of me.
Without you, I'd be empty.
All would be vanity if I were to return to heaven without you.

Love me tender princess, it wont be long until I'm gone.
They say loving someone is to wish for them to be happy even if its not with you.
But I'm no hero, I'm just me.
I don't want any other guy to touch you, to kiss you or to even glance at you.
I want to be the one who'd be waiting for you at the pulpit as your father leads you in and hands you over to me.
I want to hold you in my arms and call you mine as I put on your ring for you.
I want to say "I do" and kiss you even before the Pope says, "You may now kiss the bride."

The left fragment of my heart was really glad when you were excited and encouraged me to go study in Germany.
My only guess is you find German-speaking guys attractive huh?
Your change in tone as I asked you, "What would happen if we were at home and I suddenly splurt out some German?" was priceless.
You are so innocent and pure.
Calling you anything less than an angel would taint you name.

The right fragment of my heart curled up in its corner at the thought of being halfway across the world from you.
Even being in the same country and same state.
If we're not together holding each other, even if you were five centimetres away from you, my heart would start aching for you.

All my dreams, aspirations and plans of us being together.
Even if you find it as a joke as I told you in our conversations.
I'm sorry princess, I might not be able to fulfill it anymore.
I'll never lie to you princess, but it seems telling you I'm fine and talking to you about the countries I might be going would be the first time I ever lied to you.
Perhaps the only ever other time I lied to you was when you asked me "Who are you?"
and I said, "Your knight."
Because I'm actually the other half that makes up the shape of love.
I am "Uriel, the guardian to your heart."
I am not just your knight, but also your guardian and blanket.
I'll protect you, guard you and keep you warm at night.

85 days left until I die as a mortal and leave you.
I'm sorry to break our promise.
I never want to leave you, so please love me back.
My heart beats for you, does yours beat for mine?
Good bye Ariel.
I'll always love you.

The Story of Why I Love Her II

She had forgotten about me, about my existence, about the man she used to love.
Even so, I still love her with all my heart and all my soul.
My heart's longing for her will never cease to burn, like how the Sun's never tired of chasing the Moon across the sky.
Cause he knows that even if its for a short while, she'll finally give in and give him a kiss every once a while during an eclipse.
I tried to invoke your memories by popping up next to you and giving you surprises, hoping that perhaps you'd notice that a normal mortal isn't capable of doing that.
I chased you around school, watched you laugh as your face turned red and you suddenly sat down and started crying.
I never felt happier ever since coming to Earth.
I thought to myself, "How wonderful life is, now you're in the world."
Days passed, weeks then months.

Finally its the last day of school.
Don't you know how much it pains me as I watched the daybreak and the warm rays of the Sun chases away darkness?
I prayed that dawn never comes, and that we'll remain in school forever where I'll at least get to watch you from afar.

I'm gonna miss the time when I finally found you after such a long time, you disappeared after UN Day and my heart was no longer in my chest.
It has flew off in search of you and I finally found you on Sports Day.
Your hands were so soft and tender, so smooth to touch.
Your voice so gentle that I swear I could've seen Paradise for a moment I heard you speak to me.
I looked at you so passionately, praying and wishing for a moment you'd recognize me.
You never did, you only saw me as your senior who's a bit too friendly towards you.
You duct taped my heart back in place and told me never to lose it again.
But don;t you know all I really wanted was to give it to you when I looked at you and was stoned holding it.

Do you really not remember me?
Have you no memories of me anymore?
Ariel, have you forgotten me?
I'm Uriel, the one you loved.
The angel who fell in love with you and did all sorts of crazy antics in order to get your attention and finally steal your heart.
We exchanged our halos and made a vow never to seperate.
Be it in heaven or earth, in hell or hades.
We'll always be together.
Ariel, Ariel..
I love you Ariel.
So please, don't go on breaking my heart.

The Story of Why I Love Her

13th June 1996, a cry of joy was heard as the doctor announced "she's beautiful! congratulations, you've got yourself a baby girl."
I spent 1182 lonely nights waiting for you to be born into this world.
You might not remember, but we were lovers from faraway.
Not of this world, not of this universe.
We were once angels who soared through the heavens and looked down upon this world.
Have you really forgotten who I am?
An angel is forbidden to fall in love, that is an absolute rule in heaven.
We tried to hide it, but the cruse of falling in love started to show.
Our halos started to fade and our wings shed its feathers.
We became more human than angelic.
As punishment, I was sent to Earth first.
Completely void of my memories, but they didn't know.
I used the last of my powers to seal off my love for you and our memories.
I couldn't bear to let them erase it.
Thus I fell from the heavens and was born into this world as a boy.
And I began waiting for you, crying without a reason.
My parents thought I was sick, but it is not a physical illness.
But a pain in my heart.
My only friend is a pure white wolf-dog who kept me warm at night as I gazed upon the nightsky waiting for you.
On that blessed leap year, I saw a bright meteor falling from the sky.
My heart leaped, my lips curled into a smile.
After 3 painful years, I finally smiled.
Alas! Heaven found out that I've not forgotten about you.
For sending us to Earth was a test of Fate.
They sent Michael the Archangel, my brother to seal off my memories.
Memories of heaven, of hope and of you.
I could've swore that I saw Michael shed a tear when he sealed me.
Thus began my life as a mortal.
Yet, I often wondered why the paintings in the old cathedrals looked so familiar.
An old bishop once commented that I looked like one of the angels in the paintings on the dome.
I never knew why I often longed to fly.
Perhaps the birds could see my invisible wings, for they always sang their morning songs outside my window, asking me to join them in their flight that day.
Years passed, I fell in love a few times.
But I couldn't bring myself to touch, to hold and to kiss another girl.
Everytime a girl wishes to be kissed my heart would writhe in pain and I would have to refuse it.
I may not remember you, but it seems that this broken heart of mine does.
Thus I remained pure, untouched for a reason unknown to myself.
My lips untouched, my body untainted and my heart in pieces missing someone I know not about.
Once every leap year, I would see a girl so beautiful that it surpasses the beauty of mortals.
A girl not of this world, not of this place and not of this era.
A girl I know not about, yet feel so familiar.
A girl who'd just hold me tightly and not say a word.
A girl whom I could kiss without my heart writhing in pain.
Somehow I've known this girl for a very long time.
Before the creation of this world.
Before the first man met the first woman.
Before the first rain fell upon this world.
Before time existed.
In my dreams, time seemed to pass so fast.
And you always seem so sad when you're about to leave me.
I asked you for your name, but you wouldn't say a word.
You couldn't speak it seems.
You'd leave me crying out to you and waking up to tears soaking my pillow and I'd cry without a reason.
Because it hurts my heart so much just to be separated from you, even if its a dream.
5th February 2010- The Leo club was tasked with organizing UN Day for our school.
Being part of the Organizing Committee for this project I was given so much work to do.
Stupid Ong Jun Shern "MONK"..
And that pearl little was acting as if the project was hers and just brushed me aside from my work after taking my videos and telling me I'm of no use.
Such a horrible day, I was so pissed.
And to top it off, I was also part of the Disciplinary Committee and we had to make sure the classes clean up their stalls.
It was going around telling the stalls and warning dirty stalls when this kid from your class came running towards me shouting "if you buy one of these(cupcakes) then she'll give you a kiss!"
I looked up and saw someone I knew from long long ago.
Someone I loved, I cherished and I died for.
She saw me walking towards her stall and agreeing to buy if she gave me a kiss and blushed.
She might've looked different from her days as an angel.
But I could see her wings, an elegant pair of wings that were invisible to the mortals around us.
I remembered everything just by seeing those pair of wings.
Her wings were special and unique even in heaven, tinted with a light pink which refracted light in an almost enchanting way.
I looked at her and smiled, she smiled back.
But it wasn't the smile she used to give me.


To be continued..

I don't know what this painful feeling is..

Why is it that everytime I think of her.
There's a pain in my chest that throbs and doesn't stop?
People tell me I've fallen so madly in love with you.
But is loving someone really so painful?

Dear love,
How much longer are you gonna keep me in pain?
You've locked me up in this tower on a deserted island.
But one day, I know I'll be able to fly with these tainted wings.
And fall where my princess lies waiting for me.

Can you tell me what love is?

If a girl tells you she's busy and doesn't wanna talk to you.
That she's gonna hang up but speaks with you for 40minutes on the phone until your credit runs dry.
Then she calls you back and you continue the conversation for another 20minutes to make it a whole hour.
Does that mean she loves you a little?
Because if that is love, then I would be really happy to know that she loves me a little in return.

A Fever

25th November 2010- I woke up feeling kinda weird and groggy.
Today I'm having history paper for spm.
At the start of the exam, I noticed that I was feeling rather cold.
Something rather awkward for a hot blooded guy like me.
At the end of the first paper I was shivering and holding on to myself to keep warm.
I knew I had developed a fever somehow.
During the second paper, I was burning like hot potatoes.
I mouthed silent prayers, that I do not faint.
End of exam, I rushed to grandma's place where I found out that Ashley, my cousin sis has fever too.
My body was so hot that my grandma had to use ice to cool me down.
This was just the start of my problems.

Next day, I called princess.
She told me she had a fever on the same day and around the same time as me.
Somehow, all the anger and frustration I had just melted away.
Knowing that princess had a fever as well, kinda made this fever not so bad.
Cause this kinda connects us together.
I was relieved that princess had already recovered.
My heart was even contented with life when princess sent me a message on how to get well soon.
Life, seemed wonderful.

A few days passed, now's my 4th time going for blood tests.
I've got a viral+bacterial infection which caused my tonsil inflammation, leading to fever.
Multiple ulcers on my throat don't sound painful, IT IS PAIN.

I knelt down and prayed to God, the God I have prayed to since I was a kid.
The God who always seemed to be there whenever I called out to Him.
Somehow my God doesn't want me anymore.
I call but hear no answer.
I seek but find no hope.
I cry but receive no comfort.
My dear Father which art in heaven.
How long more do you wish to withold Thyself from me?

Bottled Up Feelings

Walking around with my fellow spm-ers, we noticed that we're the only ones in school.
Well, nothing to be surprised of.
Since its already the holidays.
As we sat together and talked about what we would miss most about school,
it suddenly hit me that I might never get to see you again until the time when two worlds collide.
A girl said she would miss gossiping with the rest of the girls.
A guy said he would miss futsal-ing with the rest of the guys.
A few of them agreed that they would miss Uncle Jimmy's nasi lemak wedges.
As for me, I stood up and walked outside the class.
I leaned my arms against the metal bars which prevented anyone from falling off the building.
I stayed that way, looking at the opposite building.
Remembering the times when you used to do your prefect patrols, and I would gladly adore you from across the building.
School has many wonderful things worth missing.
But I'll miss you the most.
That's cause you're the best thing that a guy could ever wish for.
I love everything about you.
The way you smile.
The way you turn red in embarrassment when I chase you around school, calling you princess.
The way you laugh till your tears come out and you suddenly start crying.
The way you refuse to acknowledge my presence in front of others, only to apologize privately and make me feel better.
The way you would get angry whenever I say something nice about you, cause you think that's flirting.
I love that you care about me, in a unique way. So as to not break my fragile heart and keep it yours.
Best of all, I love the way you tell me you're about to hang up from the moment you answer your phone but end up talking to me for an hour, threatening to hang up throughout the conversation.

Memoirs of a forgotten boy

Dear girls,

Do you know how much pain you've caused us guys?
You might not know, but us guys are actually all teddy bears on the inside.
We might laugh, swear and act tough on the outside.
But deep inside we're all teddy bears.
All we want in life, is just to have a girl who'd stand by our side, laugh at our lame jokes, cheer on for us in a game we're losing, hold our hand when we go shopping(instead of us carrying all the bags), tell us that they love us just before falling asleep and love us for who we are.
We guys dream of being Cassanova, of having our way around hot babes like James Bond.
But that's just a fantasy.
All we really want is to be lovey-dovey with our girl.
We wanna feel appreciated and cared for.
You might never guess, but we're actually more fragile on the inside.
Our heart beats faster when we see our girl(which is.. who else but you?) and we're constantly thinking about you.
You might never know, that we wanna shout out your name and tell the whole world that we belong to you.
We wanna let this world know, that there's someone who cares about us.
You might never have imagined, how much we enjoy watching love flicks.
The number of tissue boxes we need just to wipe our tears when someone dies in a movie.
You might never tell, that we wanna wear a couple's outfit and show off to the other guys how beautiful you are.
Every guy keeps a secret every girl doesn't know of.
That is, we wanna sit on the park bench holding your hand and stay that way forever.
You might never have dreamed, that all a guy needs is you.

Story of how the Nightangel became a Nightingale

Two thousand years ago, on one epic night that was to be the start of this story.

The moon was engulfed by the dark clouds and the princess who wandered off into an unfamiliar part of the palace could not see.

She sat in a corner and began to cry.

What could she do, she was only a fourteen year old girl?

Suddenly a soft, beautiful whisper of a song began. 

The crickets hushed their singing to listen, the frogs, their croaking.

Even the princess stopped her sobbing to hear.

Something so soft and sweet had began to sound.

Somehow familiar, as if she knew the voice well..

A voice, serenading her with a melody of the past.

An ancient serenade, so romantic that even the stars were wooed and peeped out of their blankets to listen to the nightangel sing.

After what seemed a never wanting it to end brief moment in heaven, the song stopped and the princess opened her eyes.

Out of the shadows, a tall, fair and angelic looking man stood out and walked towards the princess whose tears have started to dry off her cheeks.

The princess glanced at this mysterious yet breath taking man.

Her heart started to beat faster and faster, she wondered if he could hear it beating.

Breathing seemed too hard a task.

She's never felt this feeling before, could this be... Love?

Ask Me What Love Is

Love is fawning upon a girl in the opposite block on the last day of school.
Love is secretly adoring her every morning as she does her prefect patrols.
Love is staying back in school, hiding in a corner despite all your friends gone watching a movie and making sure she enters her car before you run to the railway station, your phone ringing like mad and knowing thats one movie which you're definitely late for.
Love is rushing home everyday, to stare at your monitor and wait for her to come online until its late at night.
Love is waking up everyday with hopes of being able to bump into her in school.
Love is calling her every night, just to make sure she's alright and happy before wishing her sweet dreams.
Love is asking God to bless her instead of yourself in prayer every night.
Love is being able to love her, without her loving you back.